Long time no write

As I sit down for what feels like forever, my mind draws a blank.

Writing for a long time, was what kept me sane. Kept me grounded. And when that didn’t work I sought out other… more risqué alternatives. It’s wild how deep emotions are felt by us as people. I think about that constantly.

There were so many periods of my life where I felt so low, so far down in a pit surrounded by pain and darkness, that I couldn’t even process a way out. Couldn’t imagine being outside of my cage, in the light.

In the sun.

Every cell in my body was in a state of panic and fear, yet every single one of them knew there was a sense of urgency to keep moving. “Fight overwhelmed flight” in my nervous system in every situation. This enforced my survival. This allowed me to live. Or what I thought life was.

Time to slow down? To rest? To process the surrounding chaos? Absolutely not.

Even if I knew how, I had no intention in trying.

Survival was what I knew.

All the animals on this planet and before, have a form of the sympathetic nervous system (flight-or-fight). Most animals though, can only process that high level of stress and influx of hormones rushing through their bodies to escape or evade whatever threat is in front of them. Then their parasympathetic system takes over to balance out the equation. To calm them down and allow other bodily functions to occur.

For us, that doesn’t happen. Our brains are so powerful that we can survive this constantly high level of fight or flight in our bodies. But at what cost?

When our sympathetic system is in hyperdrive it doesn’t allow for balance within our bodies. We are overwhelmed with anxiety, stress, insomnia, and a flurry of other issues. I learned this the hard way. After allowing survival mode to become my automatic setting for so long without addressing my underlying pain points, illness seeped in.

In December 2020 after following a painful medical school application cycle and a short-term custody battle for my youngest sibling, my body said no more. I had started working online on social media and was using my newfound confidence to start my brand through modeling/digital creation. I finally could see my goals coming true, being noticed by other brands to collaborate together when my body started deteriorating from the inside out. I was diagnosed with Rosacea Type II later that year.

The next two years followed a rollercoaster of emotions.

Was I worthy enough to become a physician?

Would I ever be able to follow my passions in front of the camera?

Would I ever be in a place where I could finally provide for my mother?

Only time would tell.

In 2023, I finally have something to say.


Published by HonestRambles

Post-grad master's student navigating through the ugly, stressful, and worthwhile moments of being a nontraditional pre-med. Living off good energy, over-priced coffee, and reminding myself why I choose this life everyday.

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