So it begins,

As 2021 was coming to a close, the lull of grind culture and “new goals, new me” were all around. And I wasn’t really mad about it. Part of me knew I needed a little bit of a kick in the tush to get moving again.

I had gotten stale. Comfortable. And I wished for more.

And it would take more than hopes and prayers. It would require me to move.

So I did what any bright-eyed type A person does. Bought a planner. I figured even if i didn’t fill it out all the way, the act of purchasing it would force me to walk into Marshall’s, set my eyes on one and only one item, and walk out confidently, knowing I completed the task. That was enough for me. Enough to start.

Weeks continued and as it became closer to the brink of novelty that would be 2022, I got hit with a bus. Not literally-but physically my body was destroyed-so I guess not too far off. The wretched thing that is this SARS virus was plaguing my body and my life all at once.

Being in quarantine required me to stay a recluse. While having time off from work sounds like a dream, not having an income to pay your bills was not the dream let me tell you. And being that both my jobs are in healthcare it was not a good thing. At first the days weren’t too bad. I kept myself busy, catching up on shows I had always wanted to binge or at least finish, working on my wedding coming up, and de-cluttering the house. What I failed to realize was how desperately body needed to s l o w d o w n.

It was practically begging me to chill. Feelings of anxiousness and mood swings filled my body along with the congestion, body aches, and fever already ramping on in my immune system. I felt too weak to move let alone work out. I found myself and my fiancé ordering everything and having it delivered. Blessed that we live in a time that not doing everything yourself exists but Jesus do the added taxes, fees, and tips get you.

Once I had gotten a handle on all my responsibilities and my fiancé’s symptoms started to improve I knew it was my time to let myself heal too. I left 13+ hours a day. I’ve never slept that long in my life. I felt like a grizzly bear hiding from a cold winter in Montana, or whatever states have grizzlies hibernating at.

My body summoned sleep and I listened.

This lasted practically 12 days–thank god for no kids. I don’t know how people can manage. But quick shoutouts to so many of y’all who can. Superheroes I swear.

But while this was happening, my resting allowed me to not only heal physically, but it gave me space to do so emotionally. There was a lot of negative energy that had occurred over the second half of 2021. Much of which took us a long time to tackle and process ourselves. It wasn’t prioritized enough to make any changes. So a couple weeks before our “couple’s retreat,” we had hashed a lot of it out. Thank god, because being stuck together would’ve forced those emotions out one way or another and it’s clear that neither one of us would’ve had the strength to deal with them amidst our declining health.

By day 13 I felt the impulse to move. Not so much physically jump, but more so get things done. Grab the planner I bought collecting dust for the past two weeks and get to work. I made a plan for my MCAT prep finally, the thing I had been dreading to start for even longer than my sickness. I made a list of small projects I wanted to accomplish and I made pockets of time for the things I felt needed to take priority. I started to write in my gratitude’s book once more, as I had lost sight of those things I felt so blessed with once before. I also paid real close attention to how I acted around my fiancé during this time. I tried to be more honest about mistakes I would make and not say sorry for, or moments I was too harsh on him. I also made a real effort to make him feel good when he did something kind or genuine for me–I can be a bit prickly sometimes.

Even while not working out or seeing my friends or really doing much outside the house, I started to feel better. The symptoms continued to improve and I felt more at peace. I laughed much more than I had in weeks. I realized how much closer we became as a couple and most of the worries I had weeks prior were replaced with laughter and reassurance in the other.

So while January and 2022 did not start the way we had hoped, the challenge it brought for myself and my fiancé made us stronger together. It gave my the space I needed to hone into what direction I want this year to go. I had forgotten how necessary rest and stillness can be for your life as much as your soul. Your endeavors and dreams.

I asked for growth in 2021. And that is exactly what I received.

Whether loud or quiet, growth was what I found.

2022 brings with it implementation, achievement, and grace.

Ready to see how this goes.


Published by HonestRambles

Post-grad master's student navigating through the ugly, stressful, and worthwhile moments of being a nontraditional pre-med. Living off good energy, over-priced coffee, and reminding myself why I choose this life everyday.

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