It’s funny the one descriptor I always seem to hear people say about me sounds something like this. “She is so determined. She has it all figured out. Juggling medical school, living on her own, running a business, and being present in so many extracurriculars–like how?”
I almost forget what the outside sees. What’s happening with the “Medfluencer.” My first year it brought an uneasiness that translated to people pleasing. While in some aspects that made sense, it was much more than that. I am human. With goals, quirks, fears, and a million other traits. Bleeding red as much as the next person. The only difference is the rash perspective people can have. Walking into a professional environment, one that scared me in every way imaginable, added a layer of trepidation when my other persona online came up. Because for that moment, I wasn’t some girl named Alex who someone who loves passionately, can be a bit intense but kind, honest, silly, movie fanatic, and had been through the ringer in her own regard. But instead I became someone who loves to be in the spot light, who craves attention, who is unapproachable, can’t connect, and more. All of a sudden people held on to details they pulled from a few comical/satirical videos and avoided the segment where they got to know me as a person.
Bias and perspective dictates so much of our interactions. Especially the information others outside of my circle interpret of my life. And even those in my circle are often missing out on some of the most important moments in my life. Not intentionally of course. There’s some things I still haven’t mastered and may not ever. Social media is such a silly thing. While we know instagram for example is a highlight reel, and that most of stuff on there is most times only a glimpse of someone’s life and most times only the moments they want to highlight, even then, people are swept up the highs it provides. Myself included. Falling for the trap that is comparison. As humans, biologically we have embedded we can ALWAYS do better. Do more. All the time. Consumed by the idea that there is a greener corner of grass with a full blooming garden around the corner. Regardless if the accolades one knows to be true in one’s life. ESPECIALLY the you have other criteria like someone in let’s say a) medicine or b) the eldest child in a family unit, among many traits. And if you have BOTH? God help you.
Last week I caught up with a close friend who sees me as someone to aspire to. While I don’t take that honor, it often makes me question who am I to give full rounded advice. Me, who can’t even manage to hold on to a single man in my life, (starting off with my father) all because I’m so scared to risk let someone in to see all of me and realizing they should cut off their losses now. Who at 31 years old has joined the divorcee club after a mere 1.5 years as a wife because I couldn’t come to terms with the red flags blatantly screaming at me from my husband’s vices. Maybe it was my ego. Or maybe fear. I was so scared to let anyone in to my own heart. Mostly because someone who once knew my heart like their own in all its entirety still didn’t value it enough to choose it. And if someone who knew every part of your being, soul, and flesh didn’t see value in choosing you, it does something to the unchosen. I know it should’t. I’ve heard all the affirmations and read all the self help books. I was there once. Then the floor was pulled from beneath me. And then even when you see the signs, there’s the ego I mentioned. The feeling that clearly if you opened the door then there was a reason behind it. Maybe you should trust that. After all it takes time for things to fall in place. To really see the full plot unfold.
The feelings of ineptitude always seem to catch up to us. Regardless of how much work you do mentally, how many audiobooks fill up your kindle queue, how many pilates classes you do at the Y, and how far you shove your head into your books in whatever educative niche you’re setting your sights on, the healing is ongoing. After returning to my prior therapist after a two year hiatus we return to the same chapter title that read to “Newest controversy debunked: Daddy issues are indeed a real phenomenon.”
Meanwhile I write this expose of my innermost thoughts while I consume a cold turkey club at some random airport bar. As I watch everyone around me enjoying company with their flying companions, I sit in my feelings of these week’s newest happenings. Receiving news that my longest friend has outgrown me and the chapter our friendship once held. And while I have’t full come to terms to the gravity of what this now means for us all I can do is use logic to piece together and rationalize what my heart is trying to communicate to my heart. While in some ways I should be proud of the triage my mind performs nowadays, the deepest corner of my soul wants to scream. Feeling pain and understanding from the same situation is not a mutually exclusive experience. You can feel in every cell that your decisions are the right ones and yet it doesn’t absolve you from any of the sadness saying goodbye does. (If you’re reading this, I love you. All I’ve ever wanted is your happiness. If our friendship was able to give that foundation to you, then that makes my heart full. You will be a beautiful bride.)
All in this to say, you truly never know what is happening under the surface. Not really.
We are here just figuring it out. One foot in front of another.
Just. like. you.
Let’s talk 