The systemic loop that is now.

I find myself having so many thoughts. Many of which don’t really make sense or may not encompass an entire thought really, but they’re there.

And they are screaming.
There are so many emotions rummaging through my mind. Anger, pain, defeat, and distress.

Imagining the world as it can be and seeing it as it is is painful. It’s exhausting.

While with some steps we leap forward, there are other steps that land us on an invisible platform of systemic oppression and just before we can take a step back, the hinge creaks, the door cracks open, and we plunge.

Free-falling.

Unable to gather our sense of center or footing.

A rather reminiscence of Alice in Wonderland tumbling down a pit of darkness. It’s scary. It’s nerve racking. The panic lodged in my throat. Then it progresses into an ongoing numbness. Feels new yet I distinctly remember it somehow.

Centuries have passed.
And slowly that numbness becomes quiet.

Dull.
Yet, almost comforting.

I find a warm sensation creeping through. Slowly cradling my body and mind. Gradually this feeling becomes more profound. I become ever more at ease with the space around me.

The darkness that once consumed my soul and empowered my fears and anxiety are dissipating and transforming into an experience I couldn’t have anticipated. Prepared for even. My eyes adjust and there’s a dim light far ahead.

I see sillouhettes peering through the light. I’m not sure what to make of them but there’s a deep urge to gravitate to them. Warmth radiates from them. My feet are being yanked in their direction, but my mind is reluctant.

I’m conflicted.

Nevertheless I step forward. The closer I get the warmer I feel. The more at peace I become. Joy begins to consume me. It’s beautiful. It’s wonderful. It’s love.

I want to live here forever. But complacency is not the goal. So I continue to move forward, ever so closer.

And just as I get within reach of it,

one more step…

“Creak.”

Published by HonestRambles

Post-grad master's student navigating through the ugly, stressful, and worthwhile moments of being a nontraditional pre-med. Living off good energy, over-priced coffee, and reminding myself why I choose this life everyday.

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