Loving yourself first

When you look at us, what do you see?⠀

I know I don’t talk about my fiancé a lot partly because he likes to keep his private life private but I’d l rather like to keep him all to myself anyway 🥰⠀

Before we met, we had gone through the ringer with separate people. We had lost ourselves for some time and had to learn the true reality of being happy with no one other than yourself first.⠀

Before we met, I went from relationship to relationship from high school to long distance to undergrad. ⠀

Before we met, I was mentally and emotionally abused constantly yet too scared to leave the complacent bubble I had become surrounded by.⠀

Before we met, I had to learn to say enough and walk away from a life I had known for 3 years.⠀

Before we met, I lived completely alone. And in that solitude I had strip away every fear and insecurity I ever had and learn to digest them. I had to learn to find comfort in my own space, in my own presence, and make my own peace first.⠀

Before we met, I had reached a point where I knew I could be completely and absolutely happy with the life I had ahead of me, regardless if it included sharing it with someone else.⠀

A year after all that processing, we met.⠀

And when I saw him, I definitely stumbled for a second. Not because he was attractive, or I was attracted to him—although yes and yessss.

It came from the fact that for a second I felt a push. Almost like a hand shove my forward just an inch, just enough to lose my balance and place me in the exact angle to see him walk into the bar that night.

And there was a little hiccup with our mutual friend at the time who was concerned, because she felt we both weren’t ready for each other. But I knew there was something here.

A spark. A real fire I had truly never encountered.

And he felt the very same.

Honestly, we’re not perfect. But if we were puzzle pieces, our jagged edges lined up perfectly. In every way I could describe.

He’s my best friend, my confidant, the first person I think of when I accomplish something great, and the only person I need holding me when the world feels too heavy. He’s nothing like what I envisioned my future to have. It’s funny, in a way he has all the traits I loved in my parents.

I know that sounds odd, but bare with me.

He keeps me safe, calm, and always laughing the way my father always has. But he’s also observant, incredibly bright, and challenges me when I absolutely need it like my mother. I know, it makes more sense now.

But above all, he loves me. The true me. The ugly and the beautiful. The afraid and the brave. The insecure and the generous. There isn’t a moment I don’t feel like a queen in his arms.

When I look at him, I can envision the future I’ve always hoped for. It’s no longer some awful 90s sitcom with bad reception. It’s crystal clear. We talk about the kids we’ll have, the house and farm we’d like create—the man wants goats—situations we’ll go through as a family, and everything in between.

He supports my dreams the same way he supports my head when I fall asleep on his arm. He doesn’t even nudge me when I cut off his circulation.

I have the love I thought was only reserved for movies and romcoms. And yet it’s even better.

I say this all as nothing more than a moment to be so grateful for the person I had to become to get here and appreciate this man.

As well as a reminder.

Don’t settle for anything less than what your heart is truly worth.

Whatever your meant to have will find it’s way to you. But only once you’re able to appreciate and celebrate who you are.

Because in essence, your a diamond.

And with some love for yourself and a crap load of pressure, you’ll shine.


Published by HonestRambles

Post-grad master's student navigating through the ugly, stressful, and worthwhile moments of being a nontraditional pre-med. Living off good energy, over-priced coffee, and reminding myself why I choose this life everyday.

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