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Validating my direction, tarot cards, and Tik Tok dance trends.

Today is Sunday. What social media, capitalism, and the world tends to deliver as self-care day.  But for most of us that isn’t the case. In the life of a premed student, that’s an even funnier joke.

Today I woke up with intention of working out, making my meal prep for the week, finishing some errands, and putting away last weeks laundry that has been staring at me since it was placed on the floor that same day.

And while the ambition was there and my mindset was sorta kinda there, instagram and tiktok popped in soon after I opened my eyes and that was kind of it. Thank god I had a meeting with my friend who also is in the same non-profit with me that required me to put myself together and look somewhat decent. It’s so nice being able to talk to someone who fully understands the struggle of being a non-traditional student. Someone who doesn’t judge you or give you any feeling of comparison queen to share stats and whose gpa is bigger. She did get a new clinical research position which made me question my own extracurriculars for a moment-because human- but thankfully that thought disappeared as quickly as it appeared. I know it biologically and evolutionarily makes sense but god do I loathe our brains always providing the negative lull in our minds that is anxiety and stress. So we must constantly choose the road less thought of. 

I continued to make my smoothie, one of the few things I’m proud of in the kitchen, and then figured a workout was in order. But no regular run-around-the-neighborhood-jog would suffice. I needed something that entertained me yet challenged me physically and emotionally. Something that would make me sweat without noticing and would captivate me for the entire time. Can’t really afford kickboxing so Tik Tok dance trends… HERE WE COME! 

I burned almost 400 calories in under an hour. Now you can say whatever you want but I love it. And shaking my booty along with Doja cat gives me life. So, there’s that.

Now that I’ve progressed in other parts of my life I felt it only right to focus on my pre-medical corner again. It’s been an odd lull since last application cycle. And since I didn’t apply this cycle as I didn’t feel ready and didn’t want to show up with only half the improvements I felt it to be a personal waste. So instead I’ve been focusing on the one daunting thing I have left. The MCAT. Third time’s the charm. Ive set it in my mind to take it in January. This way in the rare case I truly honestly need one more month or so I can take it in March/April and still not be as stressed as I already would be. I have two more weeks left in my online program and then I will be switching to full on practice. Quizzes, full-lengths, Anki,etc. I’m ready I just needed a refresher. My other issue is work. I had already lowered my hours during my masters program which lasted two years and then slightly lowered it to study for the mcat for 3 months. Having to do that again is just not feasible at least until I’ve paid off my credit card more. I will say things are looking up. After the shitshow that was this past month and a half, I finally feel on the up and up of the zig zag of my progress. 

My future brother in law also read my cards too. Tarot cards that is. And it had good things to add. I know we’re supposed to believe in ourselves and remind ourselves who “that bitch” on our own. But it can be exhausting. Sometimes it’s just nice to hear someone tell you  or be delivered a message through the stars, the clouds, or the morning radio. A sign that what you know in your heart is true, really is true. Just a wee bit of validation. A bit of reinforcement. That all.

And god did I need it. All the cards pointed the way to a direction I already felt me moving towards. It was a great feeling, regardless if you believe in that stuff or not. I know my time is coming. Life truly is a ball of wonder and uncertainty. And yet, every bit of it feels right. 

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Loving yourself first

When you look at us, what do you see?⠀
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I know I don’t talk about my fiancé a lot partly because he likes to keep his private life private but I’d l rather like to keep him all to myself anyway 🥰⠀
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Before we met, we had gone through the ringer with separate people. We had lost ourselves for some time and had to learn the true reality of being happy with no one other than yourself first.⠀
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Before we met, I went from relationship to relationship from high school to long distance to undergrad. ⠀
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Before we met, I was mentally and emotionally abused constantly yet too scared to leave the complacent bubble I had become surrounded by.⠀
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Before we met, I had to learn to say enough and walk away from a life I had known for 3 years.⠀
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Before we met, I lived completely alone. And in that solitude I had strip away every fear and insecurity I ever had and learn to digest them. I had to learn to find comfort in my own space, in my own presence, and make my own peace first.⠀
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Before we met, I had reached a point where I knew I could be completely and absolutely happy with the life I had ahead of me, regardless if it included sharing it with someone else.⠀
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A year after all that processing, we met.⠀
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And when I saw him, I definitely stumbled for a second. Not because he was attractive, or I was attracted to him—although yes and yessss.

It came from the fact that for a second I felt a push. Almost like a hand shove my forward just an inch, just enough to lose my balance and place me in the exact angle to see him walk into the bar that night.

And there was a little hiccup with our mutual friend at the time who was concerned, because she felt we both weren’t ready for each other. But I knew there was something here.

A spark. A real fire I had truly never encountered.

And he felt the very same.

Honestly, we’re not perfect. But if we were puzzle pieces, our jagged edges lined up perfectly. In every way I could describe.

He’s my best friend, my confidant, the first person I think of when I accomplish something great, and the only person I need holding me when the world feels too heavy. He’s nothing like what I envisioned my future to have. It’s funny, in a way he has all the traits I loved in my parents.

I know that sounds odd, but bare with me.

He keeps me safe, calm, and always laughing the way my father always has. But he’s also observant, incredibly bright, and challenges me when I absolutely need it like my mother. I know, it makes more sense now.

But above all, he loves me. The true me. The ugly and the beautiful. The afraid and the brave. The insecure and the generous. There isn’t a moment I don’t feel like a queen in his arms.

When I look at him, I can envision the future I’ve always hoped for. It’s no longer some awful 90s sitcom with bad reception. It’s crystal clear. We talk about the kids we’ll have, the house and farm we’d like create—the man wants goats—situations we’ll go through as a family, and everything in between.

He supports my dreams the same way he supports my head when I fall asleep on his arm. He doesn’t even nudge me when I cut off his circulation.

I have the love I thought was only reserved for movies and romcoms. And yet it’s even better.

I say this all as nothing more than a moment to be so grateful for the person I had to become to get here and appreciate this man.

As well as a reminder.

Don’t settle for anything less than what your heart is truly worth.

Whatever your meant to have will find it’s way to you. But only once you’re able to appreciate and celebrate who you are.

Because in essence, your a diamond.

And with some love for yourself and a crap load of pressure, you’ll shine.

Just under the surface

It’s funny the one descriptor I always seem to hear people say about me sounds something like this. “She is so determined. She has it all figured out. Juggling medical school, living on her own, running a business, and being present in so many extracurriculars–like how?”

I almost forget what the outside sees. What’s happening with the “Medfluencer.” My first year it brought an uneasiness that translated to people pleasing. While in some aspects that made sense, it was much more than that. I am human. With goals, quirks, fears, and a million other traits. Bleeding red as much as the next person. The only difference is the rash perspective people can have. Walking into a professional environment, one that scared me in every way imaginable, added a layer of trepidation when my other persona online came up. Because for that moment, I wasn’t some girl named Alex who someone who loves passionately, can be a bit intense but kind, honest, silly, movie fanatic, and had been through the ringer in her own regard. But instead I became someone who loves to be in the spot light, who craves attention, who is unapproachable, can’t connect, and more. All of a sudden people held on to details they pulled from a few comical/satirical videos and avoided the segment where they got to know me as a person.

Bias and perspective dictates so much of our interactions. Especially the information others outside of my circle interpret of my life. And even those in my circle are often missing out on some of the most important moments in my life. Not intentionally of course. There’s some things I still haven’t mastered and may not ever. Social media is such a silly thing. While we know instagram for example is a highlight reel, and that most of stuff on there is most times only a glimpse of someone’s life and most times only the moments they want to highlight, even then, people are swept up the highs it provides. Myself included. Falling for the trap that is comparison. As humans, biologically we have embedded we can ALWAYS do better. Do more. All the time. Consumed by the idea that there is a greener corner of grass with a full blooming garden around the corner. Regardless if the accolades one knows to be true in one’s life. ESPECIALLY the you have other criteria like someone in let’s say a) medicine or b) the eldest child in a family unit, among many traits. And if you have BOTH? God help you.

Last week I caught up with a close friend who sees me as someone to aspire to. While I don’t take that honor, it often makes me question who am I to give full rounded advice. Me, who can’t even manage to hold on to a single man in my life, (starting off with my father) all because I’m so scared to risk let someone in to see all of me and realizing they should cut off their losses now. Who at 31 years old has joined the divorcee club after a mere 1.5 years as a wife because I couldn’t come to terms with the red flags blatantly screaming at me from my husband’s vices. Maybe it was my ego. Or maybe fear. I was so scared to let anyone in to my own heart. Mostly because someone who once knew my heart like their own in all its entirety still didn’t value it enough to choose it. And if someone who knew every part of your being, soul, and flesh didn’t see value in choosing you, it does something to the unchosen. I know it should’t. I’ve heard all the affirmations and read all the self help books. I was there once. Then the floor was pulled from beneath me. And then even when you see the signs, there’s the ego I mentioned. The feeling that clearly if you opened the door then there was a reason behind it. Maybe you should trust that. After all it takes time for things to fall in place. To really see the full plot unfold.

The feelings of ineptitude always seem to catch up to us. Regardless of how much work you do mentally, how many audiobooks fill up your kindle queue, how many pilates classes you do at the Y, and how far you shove your head into your books in whatever educative niche you’re setting your sights on, the healing is ongoing. After returning to my prior therapist after a two year hiatus we return to the same chapter title that read to “Newest controversy debunked: Daddy issues are indeed a real phenomenon.”

Meanwhile I write this expose of my innermost thoughts while I consume a cold turkey club at some random airport bar. As I watch everyone around me enjoying company with their flying companions, I sit in my feelings of these week’s newest happenings. Receiving news that my longest friend has outgrown me and the chapter our friendship once held. And while I have’t full come to terms to the gravity of what this now means for us all I can do is use logic to piece together and rationalize what my heart is trying to communicate to my heart. While in some ways I should be proud of the triage my mind performs nowadays, the deepest corner of my soul wants to scream. Feeling pain and understanding from the same situation is not a mutually exclusive experience. You can feel in every cell that your decisions are the right ones and yet it doesn’t absolve you from any of the sadness saying goodbye does. (If you’re reading this, I love you. All I’ve ever wanted is your happiness. If our friendship was able to give that foundation to you, then that makes my heart full. You will be a beautiful bride.)

All in this to say, you truly never know what is happening under the surface. Not really.

We are here just figuring it out. One foot in front of another.

Just. like. you.

Long time no write

As I sit down for what feels like forever, my mind draws a blank.

Writing for a long time, was what kept me sane. Kept me grounded. And when that didn’t work I sought out other… more risqué alternatives. It’s wild how deep emotions are felt by us as people. I think about that constantly.

There were so many periods of my life where I felt so low, so far down in a pit surrounded by pain and darkness, that I couldn’t even process a way out. Couldn’t imagine being outside of my cage, in the light.

In the sun.

Every cell in my body was in a state of panic and fear, yet every single one of them knew there was a sense of urgency to keep moving. “Fight overwhelmed flight” in my nervous system in every situation. This enforced my survival. This allowed me to live. Or what I thought life was.

Time to slow down? To rest? To process the surrounding chaos? Absolutely not.

Even if I knew how, I had no intention in trying.

Survival was what I knew.

All the animals on this planet and before, have a form of the sympathetic nervous system (flight-or-fight). Most animals though, can only process that high level of stress and influx of hormones rushing through their bodies to escape or evade whatever threat is in front of them. Then their parasympathetic system takes over to balance out the equation. To calm them down and allow other bodily functions to occur.

For us, that doesn’t happen. Our brains are so powerful that we can survive this constantly high level of fight or flight in our bodies. But at what cost?

When our sympathetic system is in hyperdrive it doesn’t allow for balance within our bodies. We are overwhelmed with anxiety, stress, insomnia, and a flurry of other issues. I learned this the hard way. After allowing survival mode to become my automatic setting for so long without addressing my underlying pain points, illness seeped in.

In December 2020 after following a painful medical school application cycle and a short-term custody battle for my youngest sibling, my body said no more. I had started working online on social media and was using my newfound confidence to start my brand through modeling/digital creation. I finally could see my goals coming true, being noticed by other brands to collaborate together when my body started deteriorating from the inside out. I was diagnosed with Rosacea Type II later that year.

The next two years followed a rollercoaster of emotions.

Was I worthy enough to become a physician?

Would I ever be able to follow my passions in front of the camera?

Would I ever be in a place where I could finally provide for my mother?

Only time would tell.

In 2023, I finally have something to say.

New chapter and things

Yesterday was my last day here. A job that has become a part of me for the past 8 years. One in which I was challenged again and again, through and through. In every aspect of my role, I was met with discomfort, but growth awaited me on the other side.

For the first year I was bright-eyed and enthusiastic about working in the pharmacy. Being a part of a crucial aspect of patient health was important to me and it gave me glimpse of a life I could one day maybe pursue. But it quickly became a hostile environment. One in which my awaited my impending failure and tried to break me from the top down. Sick people angry at the responses you’d give or the lack of answers you had available. Pharmacy personnel so numb to the chaos that they couldn’t recognize snuffing the light out of an innocent soul.

But what they didn’t know was my heart was not without it’s steel gates.

This year would not break me, but rather give me a taste of numbness and cruelty I would never inflict on another. I would bring others up in every capacity and opportunity not given to me. I would do better. And so I did.

For years I put in my all. And as soon as I could I made a leap to transfer to a store closer to my home at the time. I felt a sort of peace there. One in which I had been kept from in my previous store. But even here there were nuances. Silent levels that would not yet show face. As I became more involved in the pharmacy, I started to see the transparent hierarchies of the women that surrounded me. The ones that were so knowledgable and sure of themselves. The ones I wanted have a friendship with. The ones I wanted to impress. And remind them I could be where they were.

A few years later I was promoted to inventory specialist. In this position, I felt a new sense of pride. This role gave me the space and flexibility to find a new found purpose in myself and my new abilities. I could strengthen weaker ones and have something to show my efforts during our annual inventory audit. Those few weeks were always extra chaotic. You and you alone were responsible for the balance, organization, and maintenance of hundreds and hundreds of medications. This lasted for a few years. Going through this I felt a lack of value in my efforts.

This lasted for years. Arriving early, staying late, making coffee runs, etc. And it worked. As my time progressed so did my skills. My typing reached speeds of over 78wpm with keen accuracy. My ability to resolves insurance claims, speak to other staff within the medical field, give recommendations and suggestions on medications and symptoms –under pharmacist supervision– and calm down patient issues became more and more like second nature to me. By year 5, I could double count control medications, put through a delivery, and answer medication information in Spanish while also supervising 7 other technicians around me to ensure steady workflow. My mind could be processing things on the screen in front of me while my hands prepared medications below me. It became easy.

Too easy. So easy in fact I started to lose a sense of pride in it.

Not so much in my skillset but in myself. My ability to accept discomfort and grow forward through it. I needed more. I was ready for more. Yet my mind made me believe otherwise. Or rather my fear. My fear of failure.

I left at one point.

To venture and seek a different position. I found myself at a dermatology call center for a few months only to learn I would never find myself permanently glued to the phone from 8-5pm. It wasn’t for me. And I took that lesson as a force for my next movement. Next step.

I came back to.a place I once called home. It might’ve been the safety net drawing me back or the familiarity of the nuances within the pharmacy. The ones I became so accustomed to for such a long time. But this time things were different than when I had left. My efforts and talents had been met with full appreciation. It was wholesome. It was what I had looked for the first round. I became lead technician and this was met with a flexibility, benefits, and understanding of the value I brought to the team. It let me shine through and continue my efforts. Throughout some more years, pharmacist came and go, technicians were came and went, some as quickly as they arrived. This revolving door continued for years. It was hard keeping good company as the negativity we dealt with customers, patients, higher-ups, etc, became unbearable. Weeks would go by without lunch breaks, bathroom breaks, metrics and profit margins carrying more weight than the actual patients.

Then COVID-19 happened. The worst was yet to come. We were met with a lack of personnel, lack of hours, lack or resources, lack of help of any kind. Incentives came through as “golden tickets” to hide their empty promise. But in that darkness, our team preserved. The environment sheltered us and forced us to be even more humane with one another. In spite of what we received from our clientele. Then the need for testing and vaccinations came up and allowed the technicians to hold that weight on our shoulders. We learned to immunize patients, discuss pertinent information regarding common side effects and vaccine information, asses a patient if they have allergic reactions and how to counteract them, draw up vaccine doses, provide PCR/NAAT nasal testing supplies to patients, and maintain workflow. The ability to sit down and connect to a patient, telling stories, answering their concerns, and ultimately providing them comfort before an uncomfortable experience such as needles was a profound experience. Hearing patients acknowledge my delicacy in immunizing them, grace in distracting them, or pleasantness in addressing any issues was music to my ears. I continued this for over a year. I had to privilege to even immunize some of my family and friends that trusted me to do so. It brought me so much joy.

Walking from something regardless of how stressful, uncomfortable, or painful it at times was, is still very bittersweet. This experience through and through challenged me in all the ways I believe I needed pressure in. It allowed me to become involved in the lives of some of the most amazing people. It showed me the uglier sides of humanity as well. A lesson learned overall.

And now I can say farewell and set my sights on the next chapter. The next target I was always so afraid to pursue. But not anymore. I truly gained all that I could from this experience and I carry each and every story with me.

To my next step, no longer afraid.

I’m ready.

So it begins,

As 2021 was coming to a close, the lull of grind culture and “new goals, new me” were all around. And I wasn’t really mad about it. Part of me knew I needed a little bit of a kick in the tush to get moving again.

I had gotten stale. Comfortable. And I wished for more.

And it would take more than hopes and prayers. It would require me to move.

So I did what any bright-eyed type A person does. Bought a planner. I figured even if i didn’t fill it out all the way, the act of purchasing it would force me to walk into Marshall’s, set my eyes on one and only one item, and walk out confidently, knowing I completed the task. That was enough for me. Enough to start.

Weeks continued and as it became closer to the brink of novelty that would be 2022, I got hit with a bus. Not literally-but physically my body was destroyed-so I guess not too far off. The wretched thing that is this SARS virus was plaguing my body and my life all at once.

Being in quarantine required me to stay a recluse. While having time off from work sounds like a dream, not having an income to pay your bills was not the dream let me tell you. And being that both my jobs are in healthcare it was not a good thing. At first the days weren’t too bad. I kept myself busy, catching up on shows I had always wanted to binge or at least finish, working on my wedding coming up, and de-cluttering the house. What I failed to realize was how desperately body needed to s l o w d o w n.

It was practically begging me to chill. Feelings of anxiousness and mood swings filled my body along with the congestion, body aches, and fever already ramping on in my immune system. I felt too weak to move let alone work out. I found myself and my fiancé ordering everything and having it delivered. Blessed that we live in a time that not doing everything yourself exists but Jesus do the added taxes, fees, and tips get you.

Once I had gotten a handle on all my responsibilities and my fiancé’s symptoms started to improve I knew it was my time to let myself heal too. I left 13+ hours a day. I’ve never slept that long in my life. I felt like a grizzly bear hiding from a cold winter in Montana, or whatever states have grizzlies hibernating at.

My body summoned sleep and I listened.

This lasted practically 12 days–thank god for no kids. I don’t know how people can manage. But quick shoutouts to so many of y’all who can. Superheroes I swear.

But while this was happening, my resting allowed me to not only heal physically, but it gave me space to do so emotionally. There was a lot of negative energy that had occurred over the second half of 2021. Much of which took us a long time to tackle and process ourselves. It wasn’t prioritized enough to make any changes. So a couple weeks before our “couple’s retreat,” we had hashed a lot of it out. Thank god, because being stuck together would’ve forced those emotions out one way or another and it’s clear that neither one of us would’ve had the strength to deal with them amidst our declining health.

By day 13 I felt the impulse to move. Not so much physically jump, but more so get things done. Grab the planner I bought collecting dust for the past two weeks and get to work. I made a plan for my MCAT prep finally, the thing I had been dreading to start for even longer than my sickness. I made a list of small projects I wanted to accomplish and I made pockets of time for the things I felt needed to take priority. I started to write in my gratitude’s book once more, as I had lost sight of those things I felt so blessed with once before. I also paid real close attention to how I acted around my fiancé during this time. I tried to be more honest about mistakes I would make and not say sorry for, or moments I was too harsh on him. I also made a real effort to make him feel good when he did something kind or genuine for me–I can be a bit prickly sometimes.

Even while not working out or seeing my friends or really doing much outside the house, I started to feel better. The symptoms continued to improve and I felt more at peace. I laughed much more than I had in weeks. I realized how much closer we became as a couple and most of the worries I had weeks prior were replaced with laughter and reassurance in the other.

So while January and 2022 did not start the way we had hoped, the challenge it brought for myself and my fiancé made us stronger together. It gave my the space I needed to hone into what direction I want this year to go. I had forgotten how necessary rest and stillness can be for your life as much as your soul. Your endeavors and dreams.

I asked for growth in 2021. And that is exactly what I received.

Whether loud or quiet, growth was what I found.

2022 brings with it implementation, achievement, and grace.

Ready to see how this goes.

Underlying skin

These past few weeks have been hard for me.

Not so much so for the stress that comes from working with sick people.
Staying on top of the health of others comes natural to me.

A fast dynamic is what I thrive in. Always have.

It comes from something deeper.

A sorta of confidence I’ve always been able to express. Effortlessly most days.

Some days requiring more effort, but always there. Under the surface. Like my super own power.

These past few weeks my skin has been plagued with a shade of red and a sea of questions. I tried all remedies, increased water intake, sunscreen, gentle cleansers, etc. For a long time I felt as though I had control in what was happening with my body.

Until now. Now nothing I did made a difference. My body running on autopilot and i’m stuck in the trunk. Was I falling apart? Is this skin what I am to become?

All dramatics aside,

There’s a sense of joy that comes from looking and feeling your best and when your incapable of accomplishing that, it’s painful. It strips how you identify yourself to be and all the details of you.

I’m still taking various routes such as getting my lab work done, and restarting antibiotics. Finding ironic joys with our enforced mask guidelines. It allows me to keep a small piece of my reality hidden from the world until I allow it.

It’s moments like this where I’m truly thankful of the love I share with my fiancé. He still sees the beauty underneath the inflammation. And that allows me to hold on to her too.

Until the next step.

Warmth in tomorrow

What a lighter day it feels this morning.

Even as I write this,
I still haven’t taken it all in.

The moments of history being captured before me yesterday morning, still haven’t made their full impact.

And then I saw them being sworn in.
President Joe Biden & Madam VP Kamala Harris. And it was as if every cell in my body felt it. Every tissue softened, every muscle relaxed for a moment.

It was as if every ounce of my being was coming up for air.

2020 had been a nightmare on ice. It was as though all of the beauty within this world, knowledge, respect, class, and love were trapped underneath the surface. Our joys trapped along with it.

And all together we watched the world crumble above it.

Heart-wrenching didn’t even scratch the surface.

But witnessing the events of yesterday unfold.

In a way that celebrated all people, all shades, and all contrasts of our society,

was truly powerful. Magical. Necessary.

Because regardless of matching up ideals and beliefs, they’re presence as leaders of our nation represent a sense of inertia for true change, a sense of strength to see through the pain we’ve lived in the “decade” that was 2016-2020, and above all,

A sense of hope.

A feeling so many of us had lost touch with.

And while there is immense work ahead,
Today and every step into our future,

It feels as though our backpedaling has ceased,

we’ve switched gears,

And finally, the warmth of tomorrow is within reach, once more.

Keep going

To the little girl that only had her mom and grandma to look up to because no one else looked like her.⠀⠀
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To the little lady who always had a big girl job to do even when she wasn’t completely ready.⠀⠀
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To the sister who had to stay strong and keep her head forward to set the example for the wandering eyes of her siblings.⠀⠀
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To the girl who always played down her stress and her struggle because mental health was not something you talked about.⠀⠀
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To the girl who just kept pushing through the depression, the numbing thoughts, and the exhaustion because to stop would’ve been unacceptable.⠀⠀
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To the girl who did not yet understand how life-changing self love would prove to be.⠀⠀
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To the girl that didn’t understand the lessons in the pain she would soon face.⠀⠀
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𝒀𝒐𝒖 𝒎𝒂𝒚 𝒏𝒐𝒕 𝒌𝒏𝒐𝒘 𝒊𝒕 𝒚𝒆𝒕,⠀⠀
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But you are going to achieve incredible feats.⠀⠀
You will change the hearts of those around you.⠀
You will gain all the love you gave away and then some.⠀⠀
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You will understand the beauty that lives within your spirit and the power that radiates from your voice.⠀⠀
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Your resilience and passion will be something to be admired and not mocked.⠀
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Believe me, the breakdowns, tears, trips, and falls don’t stop here.⠀⠀
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But you will find strength in expressing your trials and share hope through your tribulations.⠀⠀
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You will find growth in each step.⠀⠀
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𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘯 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘱 𝘮𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘶𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘵𝘩 𝘢𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘦𝘹𝘱𝘦𝘯𝘴𝘦 𝘰𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘱𝘦𝘢𝘤𝘦.⠀⠀
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You will surround yourself with an incredibly supportive community that ask for nothing less than your highest self.⠀⠀
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Your dreams will no longer be far-fetched stars in your mind. They’ll be gained as small pieces of the trail you’ve paved. ⠀⠀
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You’ll have finally made room for the future you couldn’t quite visualize before.⠀⠀
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Because while I stand where I am,⠀
Where you desire to be.⠀⠀
I was once where you are.⠀⠀
And back then, I also wasn’t ready to see. ⠀
⠀
⠀

The systemic loop that is now.

I find myself having so many thoughts. Many of which don’t really make sense or may not encompass an entire thought really, but they’re there.

And they are screaming.
There are so many emotions rummaging through my mind. Anger, pain, defeat, and distress.

Imagining the world as it can be and seeing it as it is is painful. It’s exhausting.

While with some steps we leap forward, there are other steps that land us on an invisible platform of systemic oppression and just before we can take a step back, the hinge creaks, the door cracks open, and we plunge.

Free-falling.

Unable to gather our sense of center or footing.

A rather reminiscence of Alice in Wonderland tumbling down a pit of darkness. It’s scary. It’s nerve racking. The panic lodged in my throat. Then it progresses into an ongoing numbness. Feels new yet I distinctly remember it somehow.

Centuries have passed.
And slowly that numbness becomes quiet.

Dull.
Yet, almost comforting.

I find a warm sensation creeping through. Slowly cradling my body and mind. Gradually this feeling becomes more profound. I become ever more at ease with the space around me.

The darkness that once consumed my soul and empowered my fears and anxiety are dissipating and transforming into an experience I couldn’t have anticipated. Prepared for even. My eyes adjust and there’s a dim light far ahead.

I see sillouhettes peering through the light. I’m not sure what to make of them but there’s a deep urge to gravitate to them. Warmth radiates from them. My feet are being yanked in their direction, but my mind is reluctant.

I’m conflicted.

Nevertheless I step forward. The closer I get the warmer I feel. The more at peace I become. Joy begins to consume me. It’s beautiful. It’s wonderful. It’s love.

I want to live here forever. But complacency is not the goal. So I continue to move forward, ever so closer.

And just as I get within reach of it,

one more step…

“Creak.”